Darling Cornelia,
A year ago, two friends came from out of town and stayed with me for the weekend. One of them acted really weird the whole time. First, she randomly went to lie down after we watched the Kentucky Derby. Then, we all went to the mall and we went into a store that had all these cute teddy bears and custom accessories for them, but she looked really bored and walked out of the store to make a phone call. Then, when we all had dinner with my boyfriend, she just seemed like the didn’t want to be there.
I was applying to grad school and had a big exam coming up in a few weeks. I took time off from studying so I could host my friends and she just wasted my time by behaving so bizarrely the whole weekend. Meanwhile, she had lost her job and was living with her parents, so she had all the time in the world. She could have chosen to come at a different time if she didn’t want to come that weekend.
Last week, she wrote me to apologize, and I was happy at first and told her I accepted her apology. But then I realized it took her a whole year to say anything, and I just think if she was worth my time, she would have apologized sooner. She was just such an ungracious guest. How can we be friends again?
Should Have Apologized Months Earlier
Darling SHAME,
I am confused as to why you have written to me. Your question seems to be more about relationships than etiquette. By the way, you seem to have invented an etiquette all your own. Apologies only count if they’re given within a timetable only you know about? That’s a new one for me. Your friend realized she made a mistake and said she was sorry. Why is that less poignant today than it would have been in October? I know that I am ancient, which is why I have witnessed many apologies that went unsaid until someone was on their deathbed, so I’ve asked my younger colleague, Cheyenne, to take a look at your letter.
Cheyenne writes: Get a fucking clue, SHAME. It’s obvious that your friend was suffering from some sort of clinical depression. People “randomly lie down” when they’re feeling exhausted by mental illness. She seemed like she didn’t want to be there because she felt like shit. I love the way you casually toss off that she lost her job and had to move in with her parents like it’s nothing. Losing a job is a big fucking deal, and many people find it humiliating to have to move back in with their parents. Can’t you scrounge up the tiniest bit of compassion for your friend?
Try to put yourself in her shoes for five fucking minutes and maybe you won’t be so judgemental. Mental illness is no joke, and it’s not her fault that depression followed her when she came to visit you. She’s better off without you, SHAME. And no adult should be hanging around a Build-a-Bear store unless they’re buying presents for a kid. Come the fuck on.
Now, I, Cornelia, don’t always agree with Cheyenne. (Although I do agree with her wholeheartedly about this Build-a-Bear place. It’s clearly not for adults, SHAME.) I hadn’t considered that mental illness may have played a role in your friend’s actions. It was not something my generation discussed. I do think it was unfortunate that your friend was a rude guest and it is my belief that mental illness doesn’t excuse bad behavior.
That being said, I must say I don’t approve of your actions either, SHAME. You seem to have written to me hoping for some sort of ruling. Your friend behaved badly and you want a judge to bang the gavel in your favor. Well, I’m not going to do that, SHAME, because whatever mistakes your friend made, when she apologized, it was your turn to be gracious and you failed. If you were too angry to fully accept her apology, you should have told her that. There is no middle ground upon which you can accept an apology and still bludgeon your friend for taking too long. You either accept an apology with a full heart, or you don’t. If you’re incapable of that, then I’m afraid you’re something worse than an unenthusiastic houseguest. That’s something to ponder, don’t you think?
SHAME, before I sign off, I’ll leave you with this. Etiquette is a set of rules that we use to guide our own behavior, not a stick with which to beat others. (See also: morality, religion, sexual preferences, taste in music.) Unless you have questions about what you should do in a given situation, send your mail somewhere other than Darling Cornelia. I’m not interested in donning a judge’s robe -- I wore black for a year after my husband died and I decided, no more. It’s a horrible color on me.
You're incredibly talented, and I am going to amplify you. Every time I can.