Cheyenne, Help! My Boyfriend Turned me Into a Pixar Trad Wife!
Cheyenne, help!
My boyfriend wants to get a tattoo of my face, but I hate the way the artist drew me. If Pixar made movies about trad wives, they’d base their characters on that drawing. It’s so ridiculous! Not to mention embarrassing! My boyfriend got super mad at me when I told him to ask the artist for a new drawing, but I think it’s the artist’s job to get it right. My face is going to be on his left bicep forever. Shouldn’t I get a say in what I look like?
Pixar Trad Wife
I’m here to help, Pixar Trad Wife.
Turning your face into a Republican cartoon character is literal violence, PTW, and it’s no accident. Your boyfriend and the tattoo artist are collaborating and conspiring to de-person you. This is classic kyriarchy shit -- clearly a massive, rippling, frayed-at-the-edges red flag and you should dump him right now.
He may escalate when you dump him, so be sure to surround yourself with friends who know jiu-jitsu. Mind you, I don’t think you should have to learn jiu-jitsu, because we should teach men not to rape. But it’s still good to have friends who know how to kick groins, and grapple and, like, karate chop people’s heads off, or whatever.
The sooner you get him out of your life, the sooner you can meet someone new. Have you tried the cutting-edge app, Vettr? Men can only join after three of their ex-girlfriends have submitted affidavits stating that they are not abusers, rapists, jerks, ghosters or Christians. This process really improves the pool of men on the app, even though it’s a small pool. The occasional Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) recruiter does slip through the process, though, so watch for that.
Dump your boyfriend now, DTM, and try finding a new one on Vettr!
[Editor’s note: Disclosure: Cheyenne James is a principal investor in Sexploitation Apps, Inc., which owns Vettr.]
Before I sign off, my colleagues Cornelia, who writes about etiquette, and Annette, who writes about antiques, both wanted to share their thoughts. Cornelia thinks tattoos are “declasse” which is a totally classist and offensive word, but Cornelia is, like, 100 so I let it slide. Meanwhile, Annette suggests asking the artist to do a tattoo of your name instead of your face. I admit that kinda makes sense but I still think you should leave the asshole.
Good luck out there, Pixar Trad Wife.
“Literal violence” was my first lol